Never Enough
by believable-pen
Summary: Jess has died and AJ doesn't know how to carry on without him...Flashback story  one off


**NB. RATED M FOR M/M SEX AND SWEARING**

**Never Enough**

It was cold the day of the funeral. The rain fell in sheets and the wind blew the leafs around the grave and in on top of the casket. The Priest was saying his bit, but I couldn't hear him. I couldn't hear anything but the wind and _his_ laughter.

Jess was only 27 years old when he died. No age at all. Cancer struck him down in his prime. Crept up on him, like a thief in the night and took him away from me. Now I was stood by his grave, throwing a handful of earth in to join the leafs. God, I hate funerals!

His parents were great. They wanted me to go back to their house for a few day. Said the apartment would feel empty without Jess there. Yes, it would. But no amount of days away would ever change that…not for me. I didn't really want to go with them. I wanted to be in _our_ apartment, amongst _our_ things. I wanted to lie on _our_ bed and hold _his_ pillow to my nose and drink in _his_ scent, before it was gone altogether, like him.

I remember wiping the wet from my face, thinking 'Was it my tears or just rain'. I bit of both, I think.

Cancer is such a short word with devastating consequences. It maims, kills and destroys. It ruins families, relationships and friendships. It takes sons, lovers, friends and husbands, with no regard for those left behind. Those left to pick up the pieces, their lives shattered beyond repair.

Jess was everything to me. From the day we met until the day he died, I loved, worshipped and adored him. He was my best friend, my lover, my soul mate and my husband of five years. No one knew me quite like Jess. No one loved me quite like Jess. I fell the first time I saw him. It was so easy to love him. So hard to loose him.

Life would go on, they all told me. In time, I'd get over him, find someone new to love. But how do you find another one of a kind? He was rare, unique, a one off.

Right now, standing at his graveside, I felt numb, impotent and totally useless. I can't imagine life without him. Don't want to really. The plans we made, all gone. Nothing left but memories, both good and bad.

When we first found out about the cancer, neither of us believed it. He hadn't been ill; it all started with a slight back ache and what we thought was indigestion. He took a few painkillers and that was that. But the pain persisted. After a month of tablets and indigestion aides, we went to the doctor, who sent Jess for a scan.

Pancreatic cancer. Incurable. Life expectancy, 4 to 6 months. I cried. He was the one with cancer and I cried. He wrapped his arms around me, there in the doctors office.

"Hey, it's okay."

"No, it isn't," I cried. "I can't loose you!"

He rubbed circles on my back, trying to calm me. "Let's go home."

I nodded against his shoulder.

We drove home in complete silence. I kept my eyes on the road ahead as I drove. Jess kept giving me sideways glances, but never said anything.

Once back at our apartment, I didn't know what to say or do. A first for me. I always has a comeback line.

Jess looked at the leaflets the doctor had given him. "I suppose we better read through these. Look at all the options."

"You sound like we're thinking about buying a new car or a couch."

Jess smiled. "A.J. with chemotherapy, I might have an added 3 or 4 months."

"At what cost?" I wasn't talking monetary.

"So, my hair falls out. I'll buy a wig."

I shook my head.

Putting the leaflets down on the coffee table, Jess took both my hands in his. "We have to be positive about this. Form a plan, today, now. My parents need to be told, and I want to be able to tell them we've both accepted what I'm going to do next."

I took a deep breath, pulled him into my arms and kissed him gently on the lips. "Okay."

"I won't break, you know."

I ran a finger along his jaw line and across his lips. "I wanna make love with you."

I lifted him into my arms and carried him to the bedroom, placing him on the bed. No sweat…he's 163lbs soaking wet, blond with incredible green eyes. I, on the other hand, am 181lbs, dark haired with brown eyes.

As I laid Jess down on the bed, I sat beside him, my hand on his chest feeling his heart beat. How could a heart beating so fast, a man that looked so healthy, be dying? It was

beyond comprehension and my brain still couldn't take it all in. That within as little as 4 months, I would be on my own and the love of my life, Jess, would be dead.

Putting that from my mind, I began to undress the man before me, I carefully folded his clothing, as if I thought they were as fragile as I thought he might be right now. Jess must have guessed, cos he was giving me 'that look' right now. The one that said 'What are you doing?' I smiled back, as a hand touched my chest, pulling me down by my shirt so our lips touched. His arms went around my neck as the kiss grew more passionate, more urgent.

"Get my clothes off, now!" he whispered into my ear.

I couldn't help but laugh, seeing his eyes turn dark with wanton lust.

Within minutes, we were both naked and I stood up looking at his beautiful body. His cock stood erect amidst a mass of blond pubic hair, and the head leaked pre-cum. His body gave off this scent that drove me crazy, as I knelt on the bed next to him. Running my hand from his throat to his stomach, I marvelled how well defined his body was, yet he never worked out and ate like a horse. As I moved back up to take a nipple between my finger and thumb, Jess closed his eyes and sighed. Leaning down, I took the erect nipple into my mouth, running my tongue over the hard bud. My hand wasn't idle, it moved to caress his over nipple, as Jess carded his fingers through my hair and stroked my back. Both nipples now erect, I laid down beside him and took him into my arms, burying my face in his neck, as tears pricked at the back of my eyes. But this wasn't the time to cry. I wanted to love him, pleasure him, not make him sad.

Kissing his lips, I put my hand under his chin, lifting it slightly so I could carry on kissing down his throat to his chest. I kissed each nipple again and then down to his stomach, coming face to face with his erect cock. It was standing proud, awaiting my attention. Lifting his right leg so it was around my waist, I rubbed my face in soft pubic hair, then taking his cock into my mouth. I loved the way he smelt, the way he tasted. I loved everything about him. As I tongued the head of his cock, I found the slit and tasted the pre-cum It made me so hard, I thought I was going to cum there while I was sucking him off. Drawing back, I took a deep breath and put a finger in my mouth. Taking it out, I put it against Jess's anus and pushed the tip in, feeling the ring of muscle tighten around it. I kissed the inside of his thigh and he relaxed his body and my finger went deeper, until I felt his walnut shaped prostrate and massaged it gently. He moaned, as I put a second finger inside him, moving them in and out. As I added a third finger, I scissor them, stretching him so he was ready for my cock. Putting his leg back on the bed, I laid between Jess's legs and kissed him on the lips. I was ready to fuck him and he had a smile on his face that drove me wild. Getting a tube of KY Gel from the top drawer of the bedside cabinet, I squeezed some onto my hand and coated my own cock from root to tip. Then I put the tube against Jess's hole and squeezed some into him, pushed my finger in. He squirmed and moaned, as I withdrew it.

Lifting his legs, I placed them over my shoulders, then grabbed my cock and placed it against his puckered hole. I pushed in slowly at first, then all the way in so my balls were touching his ass. Jess closed his eyes and threw his head back on the pillow, loosing himself and his worries in our lovemaking. I pushed in and out of his body, the friction bringing us both along. I supported myself on my hands, one each side of his shoulders. I wanted to kiss those lips. I wanted to loose myself in those eyes. I never wanted to stop making sweet love and being made love to, by my husband.

Gently lowering myself onto Jess, I kissed his forehead, his eyes, his lips. My tongue explored his mouth and ran along his teeth. I moved to kiss the side of his neck, then his shoulder, all the while, I was moving in and out of his ass and it felt fucking amazing. Better than it had felt in a long while. Was it because I knew he was dying? I didn't know. I just knew that it felt so sensual. So awesome. Unbelievably earth shattering, and I didn't want it to ever end.

Jess wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me closer, deeper. His cock was trapped between our bodies and I could feel his pre-cum sticky against my stomach. I began to thrust faster, feeling my orgasm approach. My balls slapped against his ass and with a few last thrusts, I came deep within him. As my body shook, I felt Jess stiffen, as he too, climaxed, his sperm covering our stomachs.

Jess's legs slipped from my shoulders, as I wrapped my arms around him and we kissed.

"You are so beautiful, I wish I could change places with you."

Jess smiled. "I know. We'll look at those leaflets tomorrow. See if I can start

chemotherapy." He touched my cheek with a fingertip. "Then we'll go and see my parents."

All I could do was nod.

"Maybe we could go away for your birthday next month. Fly to London. See the sights. What do you think?"

"If that's what you want to do, we'll do it."

Jess playfully pinched my cheek. "Time for a shower and then I'll get us something to eat."

"Want me to order something in?"

"Nah. I was thinking, maybe an allsorts omelette and hash browns."

Despite myself, I felt hungry at the thought of it. "Okay, but no onions, not in my omelette."

"Extra mushrooms for you, then."

I smiled, helping Jess off of the bed and together we walked into the bathroom and showered. After the shower, we put on sweat pants and t shirts, then we went into the lounge. I sat at the breakfast bar and watched Jess as he cooked.

I could always see how much Jess loved me by looking into his eyes. I hoped he saw the love reflected back from mine.

In college, I didn't think I stood a chance with him. We were both openly gay, but he was popular with both sexes. The girls all wanted to 'turn him' back into a heterosexual male. The guys, including me, just wanted him. I didn't think he'd ever notice me, even though I was putting myself out there. I seemed to attract other guys, but not Jess. But he was just bidding his time. Waiting until this impromptu party was announced. I went of course, because I knew he would be there.

On the night of the party, I took extra time to pick a cool outfit and make sure I looked good. So did he. Wow! He blew my mind. Dressed in off white Chinos and a yellow tight fitting t shirt. A contrast to my black jeans and light blue polo shirt. We looked stunning together.

I took him back to his dorm after the party. We kissed and I went back to my own dorm. I was going to woo him properly. No quick sex up against the wall, or snatched

moments in his shared room.

Our first kiss came with fireworks and exploding stars. Not literally. I saw them though, in my mind. That and those green eyes. I say again….Wow!

We made love after our fourth date. It was slow and passionate and everything I thought it would be. I fell hook, line and sinker and I was loving every minute of it. Jess was perfect in every way and I formed a plan to make him mine.

Leaning both arms on the breakfast bar, I watched Jess as he cracked eggs into a bowl and whisked them. Then he added mushrooms, cooked bacon pieces, a small basin of baked beans, some grated cheese and pepperoni slices. Pouring it all into a pan, he moved it around. The smell was glorious. He certainly knew how to cook.

It took all my courage to ask Jess to marry me. I wasn't sure if he was in it for the long haul, like me. I knew he cared about me, but we never really discussed or mentioned the 'L' word. I knew I loved him, but I didn't want to push Jess into saying anything he wasn't completely comfortable with. I wasn't sure if he was a commitment kinda guy.

Taking him out for a meal, I proposed over a glass of wine and chicken medley. So romantic, I know. To my amazement, he said yes straight away. That brought out different emotions from both of us. Jess wanted me to meet his parents - mine were both dead.

From our first date to me proposing, was all of 5 weeks. But it was 5 glorious weeks that neither of us will ever forget.

Meeting Jess's parents was nerve racking. I don't know why. I was falling apart at the prospect of meeting them. Was it because I thought they'd think I wasn't good enough for their son?

We'd been unofficially engaged for just over four months when we drove up to see Jess's parents, and as we drove, in a car we'd borrowed from a friend for the weekend, I fidgeted in the passenger seat.

"AJ, will you stop it! They're great. You'll love them and they will love you almost as much as I do."

"Mmm."

He laughed. "They know I'm gay and I'm in a relationship."

"But you haven't told them yet, have you?"

"No. I wanted us to do it together, like we said."

Jess's parents lived 200 miles from the college and with every mile be hind us, my heart beat faster. I was about to have a heart attack by the time Jess pulled into their drive. Getting out of the car, I stood statue still as a woman in her early forties came out of the house to greet us.

"Jess!"

"Hey, mom." Jess waved and walked towards his mum, hugging her. Then he turned to me. "This is AJ."

I tipped my head to her. "Mrs Cooper."

"Hello. And what does AJ stand for?" "Er, Andrew John, ma'am."

"Pauline, please."

I smiled.

"Your father's inside, dear."

As we entered the house, I could feel the vibes coming from every room. It was like coming home.

"Jess, is that you?"

"Yeah, dad."

A man a little older than Pauline Cooper came out of an office and hugged Jess. "It's good to have you home."

"It's good to be home," said Jess, pulling back. "I'd like you to meet AJ."

"Andrew," said Pauline.

I smiled. Ordinarily, I would have corrected her, but it sounded good coming from her. I'd been called AJ from the age of around 6.

"Sir."

We shook hands.

"Let's go into the den."

We followed Jess's dad.

"I'm Bert, by the way."

I nodded. "Bert."

Sitting down, Jess took my hand in both of his. "We have something to tell you and I hope you'll be as happy as we are." Jess took a deep breath. "AJ asked me to marry him and I accepted."

There was silence, a look and then smiles.

"That's wonderful news," said Bert. "Congratulations."

"Thanks, dad. We wanted to tell you in person."

"When did all this happen?" asked Pauline. "Have you fixed a date yet?"

Jess looked at me.

"Well, I asked Jess about four months ago. We got a studio apartment and moved in together three months ago and no, we haven't fixed a date, but I was thinking August 19th."

"That's Jess's 22nd Birthday."

"Yep."

Jess beamed, I hadn't even run it by him. "You kept that piece of information quiet."

"I'm just full of surprises." I turned to Bert. "I was hoping you could give me a few pointers, Bert."

"Why yes, yes, of course." He bristled with pride.

"We don't want anything too fancy. We finish college in May and AJ wants us to open our own Law business," he turned to me. "We both studies basic law and want to have our own Advisory Practise, no courts involved."

Bert nodded. "Sounds good, son. There's money to be made in that field."

"The Chaplin on campus said he'll conduct the civil partnership ceremony for us. Just family and close friends."

Bert turned to me. "I promised Jess financial support when he'd finished college and if he wants to open a Law Advisory Practise, that's fine by me. What about your parents, Andrew? What do they…"

"Dad!"

"What?"

"My parents died when I was 13. I was brought up by the State. I earned a scholarship for college."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay, really."

"You don't have any family?"

"No."

"He does now," said Bert.

I smiled. "Thank you, it means a lot."

That was our first meeting. The next was a few weeks before the degree ceremony. We'd both been busy with studying and didn't have much spare time for ourselves, let aloe travel 200 miles to visit with them. At the ceremony, we discussed the wedding. We exchanged ideas. Pauline and Bert were great. Outfits were bought and the hotels booked. The next time we met, was for a weekend a month before the wedding.

"I thought we'd all go out for dinner tonight," said Bert, taking hold of my arm. "And Pauline and I thought it was time you started calling us mom and dad…but only if you feel comfortable with it."

I hugged him. "I'd be honoured."

Jess and I had a great weekend and after we got back to campus, in a car we'd bought a week before, I took Jess to see the Chaplin and we discussed what kind of ceremony we wanted and the reception after.

By 6.60pm we were back in our one room studio apartment we rented, both happy with the way the weekend had gone. Now we just had to wait for August 19th.

That all seemed like so long ago to me now.

As Jess put the hash browns in the pan to heat through, I made us coffee and filled glasses with orange juice. Then I got plates and cutlery. Once everything was cooked, we settled down to eat. It was a simple meal, but we both enjoyed it and after, I put everything into the small dishwasher.

"Shall we take our coffee into the lounge, there's a college football game in 10 minutes."

"Who's playing?"

"Pen State and UCLA."

"Okay, but I wanna look through those leaflets."

"I thought we were goin' to do this tomorrow."

"You don't mind, do you?"

"Of course not, I just thought…." I sat on the couch, tapping the spot beside me. "Come sit by me."

Putting the leaflets on the counter top, Jess rounded the couch and sat by me.

"I promise to go through them with you tomorrow. Clint is in the office with Eve and Stacey, so we don't have to go in, if we don't want to."

"I need to go in, in the afternoon. The Bealman case."

I nodded. "Fine. Then we'll do it in the morning."

A tear trickled down Jess's face and I wiped it away with my thumb.

"My parents will be devastated."

"When will you want to go up there to tell them?"

"Day after tomorrow."

I clicked on the TV. "It's about to start."

"It won't go away, AJ, no matter how much we want it to."

"I'm sorry, I…."

"It's okay," he took hold of my hand. "Let's just watch the game."

Putting my arm around his shoulders, Jess snuggled against my side and put his legs up on the couch. We watched the game, but by the 3rd quarter, Jess was asleep in my arms. I hated to wake him, so I carefully carried him to the bed. Taking off his shoes, I covered him with the duvet and got in beside him. I lay away for hours, then fell asleep around 2am. I dreamt the Jess was given a live saving drug. Then the day of our civil partnership.

"We are gathered here to witness the reunion of two souls and the vows to be taken and the giving and receiving of rings." The Chaplin turned to Jess. "Do you, Jess Oliver take Andrew John as your lifelong partner. Will you love and honour him until death parts you."

"I do."

Then he turned to me. "Do you, Andrew John take Jess Oliver as your lifelong partner.

Will you love and honour him until death parts you."

"I do."

"Jess, your vows."

Jess took my hand. "I have loved you from the first day I saw you and my love has grown stronger each day. The day you asked me to marry you, was the happiest day of my life. I will love you and honour you and take pride in having your name….always." He smiled, his green eyes flashing.

"Andrew, your vows."

"They say there is someone for everyone, but I didn't believe that until I saw you. I had to make you mind. You were the One. I've know that from the moment I first saw you. My sole aim in life will be to make you as happy as you are today. I will love you until the day I die." I squeezed his hand gently.

"The rings, please."

"Eve stepped forward, our rings on a red satin cushion.

I placed a ring on Jess's finger and he placed one on mine.

"By the power invested in my, I now pronounce you husband and husband. You may kiss."

I took him into my arms and kissed him, then we turned to look at the people attending. They clapped.

"May I present, Mr and Mr Cooper-Thorn."

The reception went on into the small hours of the morning and then Jess and I drove mom and dad to their Hotel. We drove to a nearby Hotel and made love until the sun came up.

The dream was so vivid, so true to how our day went. I wanted to share it with Jess, but after toast and coffee he wanted to read through the leaflets.

We searched the internet while looking at the material and saw the benefits and drawbacks of chemotherapy. While it was said to prolong live expectancy by up to 4 months, it ravaged the body, making you sick and hair falling out. There was also significant weight loss. But after much searching, it seemed the only option open to us…to Jess.

"I'll call the doctor and see if I can't get the chemotherapy started as soon as possible."

Turning off the laptop, I watched as Jess called Dr Madson.

"It's Jess Cooper-Thorn, I've decided to have chemo."

"I'm glad, Jess. Let me look at my diary."

Jess heard pages being turned.

"I have Tuesday's and Friday's free, both at 11am."

Jess sighed. "That's fine. Pencil me in, please."

"Jess," a pause. "have you told your folks?"

"We're going to see them tomorrow."

"Good, good. How's AJ?"

Jess turned to look at me. "We're getting' through this together."

I blew him a kiss, the way I always did.

"Hey, Jess Cooper-Thorn, get back in this bed, I haven't finished with you yet."

Jess waggled his ass at me and cached back to the bed.

Pulling him into my arms, I kissed his lips and ran a hand through blond hair. He smiled at me, green eyes alive with passion.

"So, Andrew Cooper-Thorn, what do you have panned for me?"

"I'm gonna love you until you beg me to stop."

"Never happen," he returned. "We'll be at it until we're too old and forgetful to continue."

I laughed. "I'll never be too old to make love to you."

I rolled him over so he was on top of me, our bodies locked together. Our cocks touching. Jess moved his hips and the friction brought us both erect.

"Mmm, that's more like it."

He moved faster, pushing against me. "You like that, huh?"

"Yes I do."

Placing his lips over mine, his tongue ran over them and I opened my mouth, inviting him in. His tongue danced around the inside of my mouth, making it tingle. I ran my hands down over the small of his back, resting one on each butt cheek, squeezing them like ripe melons.

"You are such a bad boy," he whispered, close to my ear. "I think I'll have to teach you a lesson."

Straddling my waist, Jess took himself in hand and my eyes never left his face as he pleasured himself. Moving forward so he was almost sitting on my stomach, his other hand went to fondle my cock. I pushed up into his hand, wanting more. Jess ran a finger over the head, his hand now sticky with my pre-cum. I closed my eyes for a second as he came up on his knees, put a hand through his legs and, while still pulling himself off, impaled himself, ball deep, on my cock. Pushing his hand away I took up the fondling of his manhood as he moved up and down on mine. We looked at each other and I could feel the love in those green eyes warm me to my very soul. His hands went to my nipples, rubbing them between finger and thumb until the buds were hard. Moving faster, I felt his balls draw close to his body as his orgasm approached. Pumping faster, I called his name, as I came within him. Moments later, he filled my hand with his cum, as I closed it around the head, milking him dry.

Still inside him, I pulled Jess down for a tongue battling kiss. It was long and sensual.

After five minutes, we came up for air. I had slipped out of him and he lay against my chest, his hair damp. Pushing a stray hair from his forehead, I ran a finger over his lips and up his jaw line.

"Are you happy?"

"Yes, very."

"I promise it will always be this way."

I wasn't going to be able to keep my promise to him. For then next 6 months or so our lives would change. Jess would one day loose his hold on life. Tomorrow we were going to tell mom and dad. Two more people who's lives would be changed forever.

Cancer is such a bastard!

The phone call to the doctor made, it was time for us to go into work. We'd decided to keep it from them as long as possible. Outwardly, Jess didn't look and different and he wanted to carry on as normal while he still could.

We worked hard to build up the business and work was going to help us through some

of this.

"I found an office. It's in a good location and the rest isn't too bad," I told Jess over lunch.

"Well, what are we waiting for?"

I smiled. "We pick up the keys first thing Monday morning."

Today was Thursday.

"Yes!" Jess punched the air. "Dad will be pleased."

"We can get flyers made and business cards."

"Are we going to name it?"

"Of course….Cooper-Thorn Legal Advisory Services." I looked at Jess's face. "Too long?"

He shook his head. "No. It is what it is….perfect."

"I can do small claims. Divorce and child welfare. You can do unfair dismissal harassment and everything else."

"Everything else?"

"Mmm. Neighbour disputes. Squatters. If you get too many, I'll help of course."

"Of course."

We both laughed.

"I can't wait."

Driving into work, I watched the play of emotions on Jess's face. "You thinkin' about tomorrow?"

"Mmm."

"I'll be right there with you."

"I know. They were so happy for us when we got married." He looked out of the window. "They'll need you, when I'm gone."

I tried to push it from my mind. Parking the car, we went into our building and up to the offices. We'd extended since we first set up here, four years ago. Our workforce consisted of two Law Grads, a legal secretary and a guy who did most of the leg work. Today, Clint, Law Grad, Eve, secretary and Stacey the leg man would be in work. Adam, our other Law Grad, was away for another week. His wife had given birth to twin boys a month ago. They called them Jaydan and Joshua, Jess and I were godparents. We were bowled over the day Adam asked us.

"Maisie and I would like you and Jess to be the boy's godparents."

Jess and I looked at each other and I said, "We'd love to."

The church was full of Adam and Maisie's family and friends as Jess and I each held a baby. The Priest poured water over their foreheads as he christened them. I was holding Jaydan and he screamed. Joshua was a little angel.

Now, as we entered the office, I looked at Eve, busy typing on her computer and Clint, head buried in a book, I thought about how we were going to eventually tell them. They'd all been with us from the start. Hell, it was going to be hard.

Eve looked up and smiled as Jess and I walked to the office we shared. Jess sat behind his desk, booted up his laptop and sighed.

"What?"

"Bealman hasn't got back to me."

"I'll call him."

"No! I'll do it!"

His eyes flashed with anger, then melted to their usual colour.

"Sorry."

I didn't say anything, just laid a comforting hand on his shoulder. Jess picked up the phone, his voice back in control.

"Mr Bealman, please."

"I'm afraid he's not in the office. Can I take a message?"

"Can you tell him Mr Cooper-Thorn called. He'll know what it's about."

After putting the phone down, Jess made us coffee and we sat looking out of the window in silence.

"We could always travel up later today and stay overnight at a Motel."

Jess smiled. "I'd like that."

"Let's go home and pack."

Putting our cups in the small kitchen area, we said our goodbyes and left. Eve frowned, looking a little concerned, but didn't say anything to us.

Once back at the apartment, I packed a small case for each of us and we went back down to the car.

We stopped around an hour later and booked into a Motel called The Red Brick. Our room was relatively large and there was a truck stop next door, where we could eat.

Once back in the room after we'd eaten, Jess relaxed in a hot bath, while I checked our e-mails. Yes, I brought my notebook with me. I had four clients on my books, three of which were almost complete. The last one, a child welfare case, was on going.

As Jess emerged from the bathroom, a towel wrapped around his waist, I offered him a Dr Pepper. He took it gratefully.

"Fancy an early night? We can cuddle up under the duvet."

Jess smiled. "Yeah. Maybe we can talk about how to break the news to mom and dad tomorrow."

I ran a hand through his hair. "There is no easy way, babe. I wish there was."

Dropping the towel on the carpet, Jess climbed into bed. I got undressed and joined him. The last time we did this was when he had a bad cold and couldn't keep anything down.

"I can make you some soup, if you'd like."

"No, thanks. I just wanna lay here with you."

I wrapped my arms around him and pulled the covers up to our chins. Jess felt warm, but he was shivering.

"If you're not better tomorrow, maybe you oughta see Doc Brennan."

He kissed me. "You worry too much. It's just a cold." He sneezed. "You know what I'm like. I'll be better tomorrow."

But it wasn't. Jess got worse and I ended up calling 911. He was in hospital for 4 days, his lungs full of phlegm. He hated being in there, of course, but it was the best place for him.

On the morning Jess was discharged, Eve brought a cake to the apartment. I'd almost forgotten. It was out 1st wedding anniversary.

"Jesus, how could I forget?"

Jess rubbed my arm. "You had me on your mind. I had, too."

"Thank goodness for Eve."

"It's nothing special."

But to us, it was.

Jess was asleep within half an hour. The bath and the warmth of the duvet contributors. I lay there, holding him tight, wishing I knew of a way to break the bad news to his parents. He was their only child and they loved him dearly. But not as much as I did.

As I stood by the grave, I looked at the people who came to pay their respects and say goodbye to Jess; Eve and her husband, Bobby. Adam, Maisie and the 8 month old twins. Clint and his partner, Graham. Stacey and his long time girlfriend, Louis. Dr Madson and Dr Brennan and a few friends we'd stayed in contact with from college. All dressed in black, stood in silence. The floral tributes were beautiful and a measure to how much people loved him. I sent two. The first, in white lilies, said HUSBAND. The second s Heart with a crack through the middle, in red and white carnations; it represented my broken heart. A heart that would never mend.

The rain suddenly stopped and the sun began to peep through the clouds and I shivered.

"Jess, what are you doing? Come back to bed."

"I've been watching the trucks coming and going. I bet the truck stop does a good trade."

I looked at his naked silhouette and went to stand behind him. I was maybe an inch or so taller. I wrapped my arms around his waist, he leaned his head against mine.

"My back aches. I forgot to bring painkillers."

"I have some. Come back to bed and I'll get them."

Taking his hand, I led Jess back to bed, then, going to my wallet, took out a strip of painkillers, popped out two and gave them to him. I went into the bathroom and got him a glass of water to take them with.

"Have you ever tried to find out if you had other family anywhere?" Jess asked out of the blue.

"No. Mom and dad's accident made the news and was in the papers. I figured if there

was anyone out there, they'd have come forward." I shrugged. "I turned out okay, I think."

Jess kissed me. "Yes you did."

We got back into bed and held each other until morning. Going over to the truck stop for breakfast, we ate and then, getting our bags, drove on.

As I pulled into their drive, dad was standing in the front window. He smiled when he saw us. Mom came out of the front door just as I got the bags out of the trunk.

"Why didn't you let us know you were coming?" said mom hugging us in turn.

Jess just looked at me and we all went inside. I shook hands with das who had this look on his face that I couldn't fathom.

"Is everything alright, dear?" asked mom.

"Can we go into the den?"

Once we were all sat down, Jess smiled and then delivered the bad news.

"I went to the doctor, I had this back ache and indigestion that wouldn't go away," Jess took a deep breath. "I have Pancreatic cancer."

Mom's mouth dropped open. "No!"

Dad put his arm around her.

"It's incurable. I have maybe 6 months. But with chemo, I could live another year."

Jess and I watched as the news sank in.

"Are you sure?" asked dad.

Jess nodded.

I couldn't help it. A tear managed to slip through my defences and ran down my cheek unchecked.

Dad took a deep breath. "When do you start chemo?"

"Tuesday morning."

"Are you staying til Monday?"

Jess nodded, putting a hand on my knee. I ran a hand across my face, wiping any trace of the tear away.

As we walked away from the grave, I saw dad look at me, a sad smile on his face. I didn't want to do this. I wanted to stay with Jess. He'd be alone after we'd all gone and that upset me even more.

"Andrew, come home with us. Just for a couple of days."

"I-I don't know."

"Please. Mom would love for you to stay. So would I."

What else was I supposed to say? What else could I do? I nodded.

As the caravan of cars drove away from the cemetery, I looked back. My heart was back there, buried with Jess.

The wake was quiet. Maisie took the twins back to the Hotel so Adam came alone. Mom took plates of food around and dad poured drinks. I sat at the bottom of the stairs. That's where a picture taken after our wedding was hung. I sat staring at it.

"Andrew, honey, don't you want to come into the den?" asked mom. The she saw what I was looking at. "You both look so happy."

"We were."

Sitting down beside me, mom put her hand over mine. "He was beautiful, wasn't he?"

"Yes." I smiled at his image.

"You look beautiful."

"I do not."

"Yeah, you do."

"All I've done is comb my hair."

I smiled. "Look in the mirror, babe. You look stunning."

He frowned, moving to the mirror. He shook his head. "I just don't see it."

"I do, believe me."

"Let's go out tonight."

"Okay. Where would you like to go?"

"There's a movie I wouldn't mind seeing."

"Grab your coat."

Looking at the picture one more time, I put my arm around mom and we went into the den to join the others.

The weekend went so fast and before we knew it, it was Monday morning. Packing the

suitcases, I took them out and put them in the trunk.

We talked, cried and went through different emotional stages, but the end was always the same. Jess was going to die.

On getting back to the apartment, I unpacked, made us coffee and cheese on toast. Jess had a bad pain in his back and I found an old hot water bottle, filled it with hot water, wrapped it in a towel and put it against his back.

After a quiet evening in front of the television we went to bed. Neither of us like the idea of making love at mom and dad's, so once in bed our hands were all over each other.

I ran my hands through Jess's hair and down his back, kissing his shoulder. Then I turned him onto his stomach, moving a hand over his back down to his ass. Putting a finger at the top of his crack, I ran it down until it came to his anus. Jess drew up his right leg and I pushed a finger inside him. I moved closer to him, kissing his neck. I added a second finger, fucking him slowly until I added a third. I moved the digits around inside him, preparing him and he was pushing up onto my fingers.

Moving to the bedside table, I took out the tube of KY Gel, squirting some in my right hand and entering him again with a finger, lubricating his back passage. That done, I ran my hand along my cock root to tip, also smearing it with my pre-cum. Moving between his legs, I positioned myself for entry, lifting him slightly off the bed. Putting my cock against his hole, I pushed in slowly. He moaned as I pushed all the way in and pulled out again.

"AJ…"

"What, babe?"

"Fuck me, for Christ sake! I want you!"

I smiled at his swearing, pushing back in. Then I took up an in and out rhythm hard and fast, running a hand along his right side to grab his leg, hitching it higher. I was ball deep in him and enjoying every minute of it. Jess moaned, letting me know he was enjoying it, too. His hand came up to the side of his head and I intertwined our fingers. I felt my orgasm approach and with one last thrust, came inside him. I called his name as my body stiffened and then relaxed.

As I rolled off of him, I took him in my arms, kissing him. "I love you so much."

"And I love you.

I didn't want to let him go.

"Promise me you'll find someone else to love."

"I-I can't."

"AJ…don't mourn me too long."

I just shook my head. "I don't want to talk about it."

Putting a hand on either side of my face, Jess made me look at him. "You cannot go through the rest of your life alone!"

"Jess…"

"No, AJ."

"I. Can't."

I pushed him away, getting out of bed. Walking into the lounge, I stood looking out of the window. I reminded me of Jess looking out at the truck stop. I felt Jess move behind me, resting his chin on my shoulder.

"I can't stop it from happening, babe. I'd love to, but I can't."

I let him talk. He needed to.

"I hate that I have to leave you alone. I hate that I'm going to die. Life is a bitch sometimes." He turned me to face him. "But you need to be loved. I'm not saying go straight out and find someone. Just….please, for me…love again."

"I don't know….if I can."

We cried in each others arms, then finally went back to bed. Neither of us slept.

I was the first one out of bed the next morning. Throwing on sweat pants and an old t shirt, I went into the kitchen and made coffee and pancakes, taking a tray into Jess. He was now curled in a fatal ball, arms around his chest in a protective mode. I put the tray on the nightstand and sat on the edge of the bed. Leaning down, I kissed his cheek. He felt really hot to the touch and it worried me.

Today was Jess's first dose of chemo and he was also going to get another scan to see how far the cancer had progressed, if any. I wasn't looking forward to either.

As he stirred, Jess, stretched, wiped a hand over his face and sat up. He looked so

young like this and vulnerable. It was like a vice around my heart, looking at him.

"Mmm, smells good."

"Thought you could use something inside you before the chemo."

"What time is it?"

"8.30am."

"Did you sleep?"

"Not much."

I was about to put the tray on Jess's lap when he pushed back the covers. "Maybe I'll have it out in the lounge, if that's okay." He was putting on a robe.

"Yep, no problem."

I followed him out into the lounge, placing the tray on the low coffee table.

"You felt hot when I kissed you. Are you feelin' okay?"

"A twinge, that's all."

"You have a scan today, right?"

"Mmm, before chemo, I think. They know how much of the drug I need then."

"We better get there for just after ten."

Jess nodded and began to eat. Halfway through his meal, Jess ran to the bathroom and threw up. I went in to make sure he was alright, rubbing his back and generally just being there.

Jess looked up at me and I swear his eyes got lighter, as he said, "I think it's spreading."

My heart sank. "Let's not jump to any conclusions."

Wrong thing to say. Jess was up and into the bedroom before I had time to flush the toilet.

"Jess, please…I didn't mean anything. I just…we don't know for sure."

"I know!" he started to get dressed. "Don't you think I can feel it?" He shook his head. "You have no idea how it feels!"

"No, you're right, I haven't." I walked back onto the kitchen and cleared away his tray.

Even from the kitchen, I heard him swear.

"Fuck!"

He rarely swore.

I closed my eyes and regretted walking out on him. As I put the tray away, I saw him walk into the lounge, head hung.

"I'm sorry."

"So am I."

"I shouldn't take it out on you."

"I don't mind."

"But I do."

After the wake, I helped mom clear away all the leftover food and load the dishwasher. Dad sat in the den and looked out into the garden. They'd planted a tree in Jess's memory. A Willow, small now, but it would grow tall and strong, like Jess. It was down by the pond, at the bottom of the garden. My contribution, a love seat with his name on a plaque by the side.

I kept thinking about what Jess said about not mourning him for too long and finding someone to love. How could I? I was still so in love with my green eyes beauty. I don't think anyone could ever take his place.

As we arrived at the hospital, we went straight to Dr Brennan's office. He was with a patient, so we waited outside. We were in his office ten minutes later.

"Okay, so we need to send you for a scan."

I looked at Jess and nodded.

"I think it's spreading. I can feel pressure on my liver and my left lung hurts."

"Alright, let's get this done. We can work out a drugs regime for your chemo then."

"Will it still start today?"

"Yes. A rather large dose, I fear. It might make you feel ill."

"I threw up during breakfast this morning."

"Arh." He stood up. "We better get you hooked up then."

We followed him down the hall and into a room with a big scanning machine. It looked so stark. White in colour, cumbersome.

The technician 'arranged' Jess on the scanner and I stood behind the screen with him as

the machine did it's work.

Half an hour later, we were back in Dr Brennan's office. He didn't look happy.

"Your feeling was right. It has spread to your liver and lung. I'll e upping your chemo drugs."

Jess shivered, as I took his hand. It felt cold. "I'm sorry," I whispered.

"Does this cut my life expectancy even more?"

"If we carry out a rigorous campaign of drugs, maybe there's a chance. I'll book you in for three times a week. Starting today then Thursday and Saturday as well as Tuesdays. It may slow it down. I repeat it may."

Jess stood up. "I'm ready for the first round."

Brennan took us to a room where other cancer patients were having their chemo. A nurse put a cannular into the back of my left hand and the doctor set up a drip for the drugs. I sat by Jess's side, watching the clear liquid, as it slowly went down the tube and into his hand. Jess leaned his head back as the drug started going his veins and all I could do was watch.

After all the cleaning up had been done, I sat in the den with dad. It was peaceful. Too peaceful. Mom was busying herself getting our room ready for me. I hadn't decided how long I was going to stay yet. Maybe a few days. There was still work and I needed to keep myself busy.

After an hour, mom came down to the den.

"The room's ready, Andrew," she smiled.

"Thanks."

"I'll make us a drink, shall I?"

"Not for me, thanks. I think I'll go up to the room for a while."

Dad looked up as I left the room and I wondered if he sometimes wished it had been me who died, not Jess. I knew I would, if I were him. No parent should have to bury their child.

As I entered the bedroom, I noticed that nearly everything that had been in here of Jess's, was now gone. Only one picture of him remained. Jess at 13 on a fishing trip. I was furious and wanted to go down and vent my anger, but how could I do it? Mom did what

she thought was best for me. She was looking after me.

"Would you like some more to eat, Andrew? You've hardly touched your food."

"No, I'm fine, thanks."

Jess smiled. "She'll have you at 200lbs before you know it."

I rolled my eyes.

Pauline tutted, shaking her head. "Jess."

"We ate on the way, mom. I did tell you when we arrived."

Bert laughed. "You know your mother, Jess."

"Er hmm, I do, dad."

After dinner, Jess and I went out into the garden.

"Will we be sleeping in separate rooms?"

"No, they're quite liberal minded."

I looked at the pond and then back at Jess. "Have you had anyone else to stay" I bit the inside of my bottom lip. "Sorry. I shouldn't ask."

"No, it's okay." Jess took my hand in his, drawing me in for a quick kiss. "You are the first and the last."

"Mmm, I like the sound of that." I pulled him into my arms. "Your folks are great."

"Told ya."

"When we finish college, I'm gonna look for office space, then we can start our business."

"We're really going to do this?"

"You betcha sweet ass we are. We'll make a great team."

"And once we're established, we can maybe think about bringing in staff."

Jess smiled. "You are thinking ahead, aren't you?"

I laid down on the bed and looked at the ceiling, stretching my arm out to the left. That's where Jess used to sleep. I rolled onto my side, grabbed the pillow, pulling it to my chest. I buried my face in it and cried like a baby, until there was nothing left in me to cry.

There was a knock at the door about an hour later.

"Andrew, are you alright?"

It was dad.

"AJ, what are you doing?"

"Don't you come in here!"

"Will you hurry up already?"

"Okay, gimme a minute!"

"AJ!"

"Okay, come on in."

Jess walked into the bedroom and looked around. I had put tea light candles all around the room. It was our 2nd wedding anniversary and Jess's 24th birthday. There were white rose petals leading to the bathroom where I'd ran a bath, now filled with fluffy white bubbles. I undressed my husband and then myself, helping him into the bath. I got in behind him, holding Jess closed before washing his beautiful body and taking him to bed.

Dad knocked again. "Andrew?"

I opened the door. "Hey."

He smiled at me. I could see Jess in his features.

"I think I'll shower and then go to bed."

"Okay. You know where we are if you need us."

"Thanks."

Dad pulled me into his arms and we both shed a few tears. I thought I was all cried out, but I just couldn't stop, as I leaned against his shoulder.

"I…miss him…so much."

He rubbed my back, then kissed my left temple. "I know. So do I."

I pulled back and looked at him. He was kind and I knew there was no need to feel embarrassed about breaking down in front of him.

"We'll see you in the morning."

I nodded.

Going back into the bedroom, I closed the door.

"Are we all packed?"

"Just about."

"So we just have to get to the airport in the morning?"

"Yep. Taxis' booked."

Jess always liked to pack, but since he'd gotten ill, I usually did it.

"I'm really looking forward to seeing all the sights."

"Yeah, me, too. The Hotel is close to the City Center, so we're not out in the sticks."

"What's it called again?"

"The Hilton, Park Lane."

"A whole 2 weeks, just sight seeing."

"Yep. The waxworks. The Dungeons. Buckingham Palace. The Planetarium. Tower of London. Oxford Street. We'll see it all."

"Covent Garden. Maybe see a West End show."

"Whatever you want, babe."

I went into the bedroom, got the suitcases and put them by the door, ready for the morning. The taxi was picking us up at 8am sharp. Our flight was at 12pm. Because of the time difference, we'd be landing at about 8am GMT. I'd made sure that our room would be available to us when we got there around 9.30am. Jess would need to rest.

"Get up, AJ. We've gotta pick up the keys this morning."

I smiled, but kept my eyes closed.

"AJ!"

I grabbed Jess, pulling him on top of me. "What?"

He laughed. I loved to hear him laugh.

"Will you stop it!"

"Mmm, wanna love you."

"Later, I promise."

"Promise?"

"Yes, I promise. Now, will you please get dressed!"

A year on and the business was really doing well. Both Jess and I were kept pretty busy. He was a natural and the clients loved him. What he didn't know about landlord and squatters rights, you could write on the back of a postage stamp.

We hired a secretary just after we'd been in business for 6 months and a few months later two Law Grads. Stacey sorta came along with them. They were all friends in Law School. Once they were all settled, Jess and I took our first vacation since our honeymoon.

Hawaii is a beautiful place and we had ten days of pure bliss. Jess had a great time and we vowed we'd be back here for our 10th wedding anniversary. But Jess didn't live that long. God had other plans for him. He thought it best if he joined him in heaven and left me on earth alone. I didn't know who to blame now….God or cancer. That's a tough one. Equal, I'd say. Six of one, half a dozen of the other.

When I got up the next morning, I could smell bacon cooking and coffee. Getting dressed, I went down to the kitchen. Dad was reading the morning paper and mom was flipping pancakes. Dad looked up as I sat down.

"Morning, Andrew."

"Dad."

"What would you like to eat, honey?" asked mom.

"I'll just have toast and coffee, thanks."

Mom was going to say something, but a look from dad silenced her.

"I heard you get up in the night. Couldn't you sleep?" asked dad.

I needed to be honest here. "I was looking for something of Jess's. A t shirt, a handkerchief. Anything."

Mom looked at dad then at me. "I put all of his things in the loft."

I smiled. "I just need something."

Dad stood up. "I'll get a few bits down."

I tried to smile. "Thanks."

"A new apartment? Are you sure we can afford it?"

"You worry too much. Of course we can, silly."

Jess hugged my neck and I put my arms around his waist.

"You wanna go see it?"

"Yes!"

"Grab the keys and I'll give you directions."

Jess drove and his eyes were everywhere. We finally arrived at a newly built apartment block.

"We're living in there?"

"Yep. Fully furnished. Comes with all appliances. We're on a rent to buy scheme."

Once inside the apartment, Jess checked out all the rooms. Last was the bedroom. Turning to me, he held out his hand.

Moving over to me, he put his hands on my chest, unbuttoning my shirt

"Are you okay, Jess?"

"Never better," the younger man replied, kissing down my chest. "Why do you ask?"

I looked at Jess. "Not that this isn't hot…"

Jess paused at my bellybutton. "I can always stop."

Jess unfastened my trousers, dragging them slowly off my legs before tugging my shoes and socks off as well. I could see myself getting harder in anticipation. My arousal plain to see. But Jess was taking his own sweet time.

"Jess…" My arousal was bordering on painful by this point.

"Mmm?" came the reply, as he closed his mouth around the cloth-covered head of my cock and sucking on it slowly.

My manhood bobbed in agreement, and I licked my lips. "You're gettin' good at this seduction thing."

"Good, is that all. Just good?" Jess replied, slipping fingers under the waistband of my underwear and pulling them down my legs.

The slightly chilly air coming through the open doors struck my overheated skin and I hissed, moaning when Jess's wet mouth closed around me a moment later.

Jess took me in his mouth once more, before his hand replaced his mouth. A finger entered my ass and I thrust back against the intruding digit, wanting it deeper. Jess's mouth moved back to my cock, and I moaning with delight, feeling the hand wrapped around me begin to move faster. My balls began to tighten and I knew that if Jess didn't enter me soon, I wasn't going to be able to hold on much longer.

"Jess…"

"Mmm," A second finger joined the first and began to stretch me.

"Jess. Please…"

Jess pulled back, yanking off his own clothes and climbing up my body.

"You feel so good," Jess said, pushing my legs up to get a better angle.

"Fuck…"

"I intend to," he smirked.

Jess's fist closed around my cock and I was instantly caught between pleasure and pain. Jess's hand worked me faster, and with every few thrusts inside me, I moaned, feeling my release build. Jess's head was tilted back and he was panting, his eyes closed, a smile on his beautiful face.

I was the first to cum. My back arched and I came through Jess's fingers, coating them and our stomachs. Jess followed a minute later, calling my name. When we collapsed together on the bed it was in a sticky tangle, but I didn't really want to move. Jess's arm was draped across my chest and my own was stroking Jess's back.

"Looks like we christened the bed." laughed Jess.

After Jess's first session of chemo, he felt so sick, he had to lie down for an hour before we could leave the hospital. He looked so pale and his beautiful eyes looked dull. I remember I had to undress him when we got back to the apartment and he laid on the couch watching, or watching at, QVC the Shopping Channel.

I was wondering how we were going to keep Jess's illness from the guys in work. If he looked like this after each session, they'd soon find out there was something wrong with him.

Jess hardly moved for the rest of the day. They'd given us a urinal bottle so Jess could pee in it. He wasn't too keen at first, but after a near fall on the way to the bathroom, he finally agreed.

I was given a diet sheet for him to follow as most foods wouldn't be digested as normal. Top of my list was scrambled eggs. They were light and easy for Jess to eat and he liked them.

With the chemo came after effects. The inside of his mouth became sore. His hair began to fall out. He started getting dry skin patches and spots. But the worst of all, for Jess, he had gas. He wouldn't eat in public for fear of passing gas and as time went on he developed diarrhoea.

After 5 months of chemotherapy, the after effects eased off a bit and Jess went out more. He was now down to 139lbs and most of his blond hair had fallen out. He didn't wear a wig, preferring a red and white bandana instead.

He started going back into work and the guys were great. Clint and Adam did most of the work, leaving me to care for Jess.

Our client list grew, but we spent less and less time in the office. Our business was successful and we had money in the bank. Our lives should have been perfect.

Dad came back down from the loft with a small suitcase in his hand, placing it by my chair.

"Take it back with you to the apartment. There are some old photos of Jess we'd like you to have and some of his clothes he left here on your last visit."

"Thanks, dad."

"It you want to leave, we'll understand, but you are part of this family, son."

I stood up and hugged him. "I love you both very much."

"And we love you," mom said, joining in the hug.

When we pulled apart, I swear we all had tears in our eyes.

"I'll have some pancakes, if that's okay."

Mom smiled.

The trip to London was great. Our car was waiting at the airport and took us straight to the Hotel. Our room was ready and Jess took a nap before we had a look through some sightseeing brochures. With pen and paper at the ready, I wrote down all the things Jess wanted to do and mentally ticked off all the things I thought he couldn't.

Outside the Hotel, I hailed a taxi and it took us to our first stop, The London Eye. Jess loved it. From there we went to look at The Houses of Parliament and Big Ben. By 5pm, we were back in the Hotel's lounge, drinking tea. Jess was exhausted but happy. I hoped he'd sleep well tonight.

It took us no time at all to move into the new apartment. A few trips with suitcases full of clothes and crates with personal items such as photographs in frames and treasured ornaments and we were in.

Jess loved the kitchen, it was so modern compared to the old one. I liked the balcony. I could imagine us sitting out there on starlit nights, drinking champagne….Yeah, right. But it was a romantic enough thought.

We threw a small open apartment party, inviting a few people over for drinks and the balcony was a big hit with mom and dad.

Everyone enjoyed the party and at 2am, we called a halt to it and everyone went home. Mom and dad stayed at the local Best Western.

Jess and I almost fell into bed and held each other close until we fell asleep. The sun coming through the open curtains woke us next morning and we made love in the shower.

Jess had his back to me and I put his hands on the tiles in front of him. I put my knee between his legs, parting them gently. I kissed the back of his neck and nipped at his shoulders, all the while my hands were massaging his ass cheeks. Then I moved a hand around to fist his cock. It was hard and wet. I moved my thumb over the leaking slit, covering my hand in his pre-cum. He leaned his head back against mine and I entered him,. It was slow and sensual and it brought tears to my eyes. Bending slightly forward, Jess gave me more access to his ass and I pushed deeper, hitting his prostrate. My hand glided up and down on his cock as I whispered endearments into his ear. Jess moved a hand to cover mine as I pumped his erection. He drove me wild with desire and passion and I couldn't get enough of him.

As my climax grew closer, I increased my thrusting, but never enough to hurt him. It would kill me if I ever hurt him.

Stroking him faster now, I sucked on his shoulder, leaving my mark, for he was mine. Every fucking inch of him. MINE!

On the fourth day of our vacation, Jess took a turn for the worst while we were by Buckingham Palace and I had to call for an ambulance. Of course, I tried dialling 911. Thanks to a very nice Policeman, who called 999, an ambulance had us at the hospital in

under 10 minutes. When we arrived, Jess was taken to a cubical and I filled out a form with all his particulars. The young doctor seemed to know what he was talking about.

"How long has he been on chemotherapy?"

"Two months."

"Where is the cancer?"

"It started in his pancreas, but it is also in his liver and left lung."

"Did his doctor okay this holiday?"

"Er, yes. He's on tablets while we're away."

"It's hard to spot, pancreatic cancer."

"Yeah. We thought he just had a back ache and mild indigestion."

"Non operable?"

"Mmm."

He pointed. "I see you're wearing a wedding band."

"Yeah, just over 5 years."

"You married young."

"Straight out of college."

"Love can do that to you. I married my wife at 18."

I smiled. He was trying to put me at ease and it was working.

"Okay, we're going to put Jess on 100% oxygen for a while and check him again in about twenty minutes. If he's been taking his meds, he might just be worn out and anxious."

"Too much too soon, you mean?"

"Not necessarily. We'll keep him in overnight. I'm sure we can find you a put-you-up to sleep on."

"Thanks. I'd like to stay with him."

"We'll check him again in the morning. If he's improved, I might let him get on with his holiday."

"We'd like that."

"Just curious, how long did they give him after the initial diagnosis?"

"4 to 6 months. Maybe another 4 with chemo."

"Sounds about right to me."

We sat in Dr Brennan's office and Jess wrung his hands.

"I've decided to stop chemo."

Brennan frowned, but didn't say anything.

"I can't function. I'm a wreck and I hate being like this."

"I understand."

I knew he did. He must have seen hundreds of cancer patients.

"I have gas when I eat and if I'm lucky, food won't pass straight through me," he took a breath. "I get really anxious and our sex life…well, there is non. I want to be able to at least participate in a little foreplay." For the first time, he smiled. "I want to feel normal, until I die. No more chemo. No more drugs. I'm ready to die."

God, what a speech. I clung to his hand, afraid he'd disappear into thin air ay any minute.

"How do you feel about it, AJ?"

"I want what Jess wants. His quality of life is negative at the moment."

Jess squeezed my hand.

"I don't want to loose him, but at the moment the bathroom gets to see more of him than I do."

Jess laughed. "I want to die with a little dignity, not hooked up to a drip or a machine. I want to have the people I love around me."

"If that's what you want."

Jess nodded. "It is."

"You'll have about 2 to 3 weeks."

Jess looked at me and we exchanged this look and at that very moment, I saw those beautiful green eyes light up again, and I felt much better about his decision.

Next stop, mom and dad's to tell them.

They took it better than I expected. They knew their son. It was what he wanted. So, on the afternoon Jess died, his mom, dad and I were at his bedside. He lay in my arms, his head against my chest. He didn't want any tears, so we held them back until he slipped peacefully away at 3.47pm on that sunny April day. 4 months before our 6th wedding

anniversary and his 28th birthday.

God had blessed my life with 7 beautiful years with this man. 7 years where I never so much as looked at another man in envy or lust. 7 years totally and utterly in love. Now, all I had for God was contempt, for taking him away from me.

Only the good die young they say and my life with Jess was just never enough. O would never love anyone the way I loved him. Don't know if I even want to try.

As I left mom and dad's house with the suitcase, I drove back to the apartment. Opening the door, I thought I could hear Jess's voice. So clear, so powerful. I sat on the couch and put the suitcase on the coffee table. I hadn't opened it. After dad gave it to me, I took it up to the room, but I didn't open it.

As I looked around the bedroom, I noticed the pictures mom and dad had framed of Jess and me together. In pride of place by the bed was the one on our wedding day. We were in each others arms for the first dance. I only had eyes for Jess. My sweet, beautiful man.

"Everyone is watching us!" said Jess giggling into my shoulder.

"Mmm, wish they'd join us."

Jess caught mom and dad's eye and they joined us on the dance floor. We all had a very enjoyable day.

Jess came out of the bathroom and rolled his eyes, smiling. "Mom's been busy."

"Yep. Love the one over by the dresser."

Jess looked at it. We were caught kissing. "Jeez!"

"I think they've gone out." I raised an eyebrow, smiling wickedly. "I wanna take you up against the bathroom door.

Jess rolled his eyes. "Then do it!"

We undressed quickly, both giggling like children.

I stood naked behind Jess, my tongue against his neck. "Brace your palms against the door and spread your legs."

"You know...this is quite kinky…for us," Jess said.

I leaned forward, sliding smoothly forward and into his sweet hole, grasping Jess's hips

as I thrust into him, quickly finding my rhythm.

"Mmm, feels so good." Jess purred, as he reached down with just enough space to grasp his leaking cock, keeping up with my well timed thrusts.

Jess knew that neither of us was going to last long. Groaning as my cock hit at his prostate, over and over again. He increased the stroking of his cock, his head arching back. "Fuck. So close."

"Cum for me, my beautiful Jess," I growled into his ear, smiling as Jess came moments later.

I followed soon after, filling him with my seed.

As I pulled out of him, I whispered into his ear. "Get dressed. I wanna to take you out to lunch."

"Mmm, I think you just had yours."

I swapped his ass. "Brat!"

"Hey!"

I remember taking Jess to this Bistro just down the road from our apartment. We had a great lunch and he teased me about taking him against the door.

The bed would have been comfier."

I winked. "But where's the risk factor?"

"Oh, and where next, the pool?"

I laughed.

"No!"

I wiggled my eyebrows.

"If you're gonna take me in the pool, why not switch to the Jacuzzi? I just love those bubbles against my naked skin." He twitched his nose like Samantha from Bewitched.

"Jess, you wanton hussy!" I pretended to look shocked.

"Mmm, and you wouldn't have me any other way."

"In a word, no." I heeled off my shoe and ran my foot up his leg to his crotch, the effect quite evident. "So nice."

"You are such a tease. Just wait til I get you home, mister!"

I shook my head. "Don't think so. The folks will be home by now."

"Drat! Foiled by my own parents," he laughed. "But I will get you back for this. So, be prepared."

"Always." Putting my shoe back on, I took his hand and ran a finger over the gold wedding band. "You complete em, you know that, don't you."

He nodded, eyes sparkling.

"And I will never tier of making love to you."

Jess blew out his cheeks. "Phew, that's a relief cos I'm never gonna let you."

If I could, I would have taken Jess there on the table. He might have objected at first, but I know he's up for a challenge.

We got back to the apartment and for the rest of the day, everything seemed to run in slow motion. Telling Dr Brennan about stopping the chemo was step one. Telling his parents was step two. We were going into the office tomorrow to tell the guys there. Step three.

Part of me that loved and adored Jess also hated him for doing this to me. For cutting the time we had left together to mere weeks. But the rational part of me knew that he was suffering and it was time to let go….for him and me.

So there we were, around Jess's coffin as it was lowered into the ground. Mom had her hand in mine. Dad was on my other side, his strong arm around my waist. I wanted to shout. To scream, but nothing came out, so I just stood there, silent, impotent, useless.

The rain mingled with our tears and the grey clouds rolled by slowly, adding to the gloom.

The church service was short, the way Jess wanted it. His mom and dad said a few words and I had a eulogy all written out. But once I got up to speak, I screwed it up and put it in my jacket pocket.

"Jess meant more to me that I can ever say. He was the reason I got up in the morning and the reason I went to bed at night. He changed my life in so many ways and I miss him so much." I lowered my head, then looked at his coffin before me, a picture of him on top. "I knew he was the one for me the moment I set eyes on him." I smiled, remembering. "Lucky for me, Jess felt the same way. No one will ever take his place in my heart." I looked at his parents and smiled. "Thank you." They knew what I meant.

Jess has been gone for just over a month and I am still feeling his loss. I suppose I will until I come to terms with his death. But such a meaningless death. It'll take me a while.

I finally unpacked the suitcase that dad gave me. Along with photographs, were some of his clothes and letters with my name on, still sealed, that he never gave me. Opening one of them, I settled myself on the couch and read through it.

'_Andrew John Thorn. He is so handsome! I wonder if I have a chance of stealing his heart, the way he has mine. I look at him and my insides turn to mush. What am I to do? Come on, Jess, everyone wants him, do you think you stand a chance in hell? GET A LIFE!' _

He didn't know. He honestly didn't know how much I wanted him. I smiled, put the letter to one side and opened another.

'_We met up at the party and he looked fabulous! We spent the entire evening together. He never left my side and after, he walked me back to my dorm. He was such a gentleman. Fuck, I wanted him so bad!' _

The letters were all short. More like a diary, but to the point.

Shit! I waited until the 4th or 5th date, I think before we made love for the first time. The letters brought a much needed smile to my face.

The last letter was written before he died and after I read it, I cried until my chest ached. Then I read it again.

'_My Dearest Darling Andrew,_

_How I have loved you. How I have needed you. But be strong, for I have to leave you now. It hurts you, I know, but it hurts me too much to hang on any longer. Just know that my life truly started the day I met you and I loved you with a love so pure, so strong that even in death, I know I can still feel it. Love again, my beloved. You deserve to be loved._

_Know that I did fight to live, but it was a loosing battle that couldn't be won._

_All my love always and forever_

_Jess'_

It's been almost 3 months since Jess died and we celebrated his birthday with a small family dinner party. I visit his folks about once a month now and we are finally getting on with our lives.

6 months on and I finally took off my wedding band and put it in the suitcase along with Jess's ring and a few of his possessions that dad gave me.

I've been going out and last week I met this guy who'd been through the same as me. He lost his partner of three years to cancer, too, just under a year ago. I'm seeing him again tonight. Who knows, he might be just what I need. His name is Ollie. He's 29 years old, red hair, light blue eyes and he makes me laugh. Maybe, just maybe, he might be my saviour. But we'll see.


End file.
